January. Sigh.

I’m sitting here in my living room staring at the snow falling outside the window, thinking about the big cleanse. 

No, not a juice cleanse, or the kind that involves lying in the tub until you get all wrinkly, but a psychological reset. The kind you get from a regular meditation practice, or just taking a moment to sit with yourself and purge the mind of everything it doesn’t need. 

And I’ve accumulated a lot of junk.

In past years, around this time, I’ve written about my goals for the coming year and everything I’ve wanted to accomplish in my professional, personal, and creative lives. I’ve tallied the number of books I want to read, opportunities I want to pursue, and self-improvement techniques I want to try. But, if the definition of a resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something, my pledge for this year is an anti-resolution – the art of not deciding, of just being.

Well…mostly, anyway. We still have to get things done, right? And if an alien materialized in front of me right now and told me to-do lists would cease to exist on Earth, I would likely surrender myself to the motherland and hope for the best.

I can get closer, though. I can change the narrative, re-evaluate my expectations, take a hard look at the assumptions, beliefs, and intentions surrounding me on all sides, and release myself from my personal pressure chamber of reckoning.

…

I might need to take a break from reading sci-fi for a while. 

…

It’s an unconventional idea and, for a rule follower like me, also decidedly uncomfortable. I’m a person who gets itchy if I inadvertently cut someone in line or walk through a door marked “Employees Only.” In college, the first item I grabbed after coming home late from a night out was my dental floss, so just thinking about reworking my internal dialogue this year feels like I’m going to wake up tomorrow with cotton mouth.

Still, as I thought about the specific expectations I wanted to rid myself of this year, I realized I sorta loved the idea. 

Maybe you will too.

“I have to be and do it all.“

I don’t. If I prioritize self-care this year, will the world implode? Probably not. We all have responsibilities, but energy is a finite resource. Consciously taking a pause during the tough moments will probably not start a chain reaction of problems in the universe. At least, that’s what I’m choosing to tell myself. 

And – if giving myself a bit more grace means I create more space for the things I love, then all the better. If I were planning to set goals for this year, this would be at the top of the list. But I’m not.

Really.

“Others have to be and do it all.“

When I was young, I hated group projects because I would inevitably end up with a partner who refused to contribute their fair share. I not only have high expectations of myself but of others too, and when they don’t deliver, I get cranky. 

But it’s not all about me and, if I’m too focused on what someone else isn’t doing, I find I often miss all the ways their skills could complement mine. I miss seeing how they shine. Growth happens in the in between – in learning to be more tolerant, accepting, and understanding. If I can’t control the choices others make, I can at least control my reaction to them.

“If someone else says it will work, it will.“

I’ve tried maybe a dozen different methods for outlining a novel over the past seven years. Once, during a challenging time plotting my soon-to-be-published novel, I even dragged my husband to Home Depot so he could help me find the best insulation board to pin index cards to.

I haven’t been to Home Depot with him since.

“Experts” everywhere claim to have the next big thing that works, the solution to all your problems, the pill that will make you lose the extra weight, the best running sneakers, shampoo, or vacuum cleaner. Try all those things if you must but my advice – if I may be so bold – is to never expect that other people will have the answers that are unique to you. Unfortunately, and as much as I would like it to sometimes, what I seek rarely lies with an external source.

“I have to like it because I’m good at it.“

Remember that pressure chamber I mentioned? I think it’s natural for others to make assumptions about me based on what I’m capable of, regardless of how I feel about what I do. But, just because I have a knack for cleaning toilets, doesn’t mean I enjoy doing it. 

Or something like that.

There’s an entire world of people out there who are adept at telling stories. It doesn’t mean I have to live them. I can choose the life I want to live. 

I can write my own story. 

“My successes and failures define me.“

My first contemporary romance novel is being published this year, and I hope it will sell. In fact, I’m going to do everything in my power to make that happen. Yes – this is important to me. Yes, I’ve worked really hard to accomplish this milestone and I’m committed to contributing to the novel’s success, but whether it succeeds will not define me as a creative. 

I’ll still be a writer, author, lover of love stories and romance. I’ll still blog, have coffee dates with other writers and offer feedback on others’ art when asked. The outcome won’t be something I can control, at least not entirely, and I’m choosing to be OK with that. I’m choosing to focus on learning all I can from this experience rather than trying to dictate the experience itself, and staying open to all opportunities that come my way.

***

Ok so, maybe I am making some resolutions this year, even if not in the traditional sense, but I’m letting go of a lot too. Instead of defining my goals, I’m going to define myself instead, and leave some room for something new to emerge. Something I think we could all use a little of this year: a fresh perspective.

Keep going.

-K